When I am Weak, He is Strong

Tears flooded my eyes. I closed them in a measly attempt to keep the them at bay. I leaned my head back against the passenger seat as I reflected on all the information that had just been thrown at me the last two hours… I was back in that dark room, on top of the hard, uncomfortable imaging table, listening to the Doctor dictating one of my worst nightmares…

“Your baby isn’t measuring right. It’s too small. It’s in the 8th percentile and a healthy baby is above 10. The head is measuring at the 13th percentile, but the body is measuring in the 4th. This means baby isn’t getting the nutrients it needs to grow from the placenta so it’s funneling all of it to the brain. These measurements tell us your placenta is failing and we need to get baby out. If we wait too long, the placenta might not support baby through delivery, and you could end up with a stillborn. We also found a lot of fluid in the right kidney, so you’ll need to meet with a specialist within the first week of life.”

Baby is too small… Failing… Might not support baby… Stillborn.

I was 3 days away from my due date and what was supposed to be a routine ultrasound, took a turn in an unexpected direction. At our 38 week appointment, our midwife was shocked by the ultrasound results done earlier that week. She said our baby was measuring at 35 weeks gestation, and that the results were so “off” that they should have gotten a phone call. While I wasn’t concerned and told her as much, she said we needed to do a repeat ultrasound.

We went in 5 days later. We were now at 39 weeks and 4 days gestation. That was when I heard things I never in my life thought I would hear.

If I’m being honest, had reservations from about the time I hit my third trimester. Everything seemed to be going well. Too well. It just seemed too easy. All of my other pregnancies had things show up that were “concerning.” I was sick; exhausted. But not this time. I remember telling my mother that I was scared something was going to happen. So when this day happened, all I could think was, “And there it is.”

Disappointed that I made it this far, to be given this news fought to be heard in my head. I forced myself to listen to everything “wrong” and hear all of our options.

When we returned home, I went on a walk. At first, I cried. My next natural response would have been to ask God, “Why?” I quickly shut that thinking down. I started to remind myself of the truths I knew. I knew regardless of what happened, God loved this baby too. That God had a plan for this baby, but it just might not be my plan.

The brisk February air biting my nose and stinging my cheeks- I walked along the bike path behind our house. With the creek on my left and the snowy field of fenceless yards on my right- I asked God, “What do you want me to do now? How do I respond?”

I felt a peace wash over me. The sun shined a little brighter. The wind wasn’t as cold. The calming sounds of the water drew me in. It was like my blinders were taken off and my eyes were wide open. A series of flashbacks of various moments throughout my pregnancy began playing in my minds eye…

I changed Doctors Offices/providers at 30 weeks gestation because of a horrible experience with my old provider. It was because of the change in providers, that lead to the recommendation that we schedule a 38 week ultrasound to make sure baby’s size wasn’t concerning and while there’s no way to predict shoulder dystocia – another big baby would increase that risk. (Our Libby Ruth – baby #3, had minor shoulder dystocia – meaning her shoulder got stuck during delivery – which can lead to nerve problems or broken bones in the shoulder/arm/clavicle; and/or brain damage or death, due to prolonged lack of oxygen.)

Because of these last-minute ultrasounds, they were able to catch the massive amount of fluid in our baby’s kidney. Without this information, I wouldn’t know to watch out for fevers, strong smelling urine, or infection. But now I was armed with information.

I was suddenly overwhelmed and moved to tears for all of his goodness… I truly felt that while I was just handed a storm, I could have worried, doubted, raged, lost faith, but I didn’t. I saw his goodness. I felt his love. I saw how his plans truly work together for my good. How amazing is our God? That He designed all of these changes to take place months before, so that I would be equipped before I had my newborn in my arms?

The next day, a plan was put into motion that if I didn’t go into labor by the time I was 40 weeks, I would be induced. After some false starts, I was induced. I had a dream team together supporting me and letting me labor how I wanted to labor. I was free to eat and move around. They didn’t break my water until I was ready for them to and had been in labor for 6hrs without much progress. After my water broke, 1hr and 47min of intense labor, 40 seconds of pushing, and Braye Allen made his grand entrance into this world!

(It was no surprise to me that he wasn’t “too small.” He weighed a whole pound more than they said he would. They told me 6lbs 5oz, he weighed 7lbs 6oz.)

It was an amazing experience. Not only were we surrounded with love and support, but because I changed providers, we delivered at a different hospital. We were now connected to Children’s Hospital, so at 24-hrs old and before being discharged, we walked through the skyway so that Braye could have an ultrasound done on his kidney’s and have them checked by one of the best surgeons available- one that was recommended by name by the on-call pediatrician, our pediatrician, and my mother who works in pediatric specialty healthcare- he just happened to be the doctor on-call that evening!

God had thought of everything.

While its a natural response to question why something happens, I’m not so sure that it is the best response. At least, its not a healthy mental place to stay in- asking “why?”. I don’t know if our human minds can ever be satisfied with or comprehend the answer. I had heard a friend say they no longer ask God, “Why?”, but instead they ask Him, “What do you want me to do now?” or “How do you want me to respond?” These questions led me to see how faithful He has been to me. It took my trust in Him to a new level. I could have easily feared over the unknown with my newborn’s kidney issues. (Now, just because I wasn’t afraid, doesn’t mean that I wasn’t concerned. For me, those are two entirely different things. My concern caused me to pay special attention to a matter of importance, it didn’t cause me to stress about all the possible outcomes that I have no control over.)

While adding another person to your family team is always a life-changing event, the craziness that surrounded Braye’s birth will always stay with me. I feel each of my babies births have taught me different lessons. They have changed me. Hopefully one day, I’ll get around to sharing the rest of them.

*At Braye’s 24-hr ultrasound, the fluid in his right kidney had gone down to the point where it was deemed the best course of action was to monitor it and hopefully he outgrows it. At his last ultrasound, the dilation hadn’t changed, but his kidney’s are growing which is good. He is still being monitored.

**While Libby did have some arm pain after birth and some difficulty breathing, we were discharged 24-hrs after birth. Today she is healthy and a force to be reckoned with!